For years, I have been contemplating getting a tattoo and this past Saturday, I finally went through with it. No, it’s not because I was scared by the fear of what others may think or the pain that it may cause. I got my first tattoo when I was 22 and have added a few more over the years.
I promised myself when I went in for my very first tattoo that any ink I would put on my body would be something meaningful and thought through.
I know the appeal of Friday the 13th tattoo deals featuring the number 13 and with some scary looking, blood dripping, knife stabbing maybe some people’s cup of tea, but it is not mine.
Each tattoo that I have on my body has at least had a year or more of contemplation behind it- do I really want it? Does what I am getting mean enough for me do this? Will I look back and regret this?
My first tattoo was a big deal- at that time, I did think of what other people in our Desi community would think- was it appropriate to get it done? What would my future spouse think of me? Would some guy that I would really like be turned off by this? And then I realized that I shouldn’t give a shit because I simply should and would be accepted as I was. But then, there were my parents to think about too…
To my surprise, when I brought the idea of my tattoo up to my parents (paired with the worst drawn concept) they were totally on board. You see, my first tattoo is in honor of my cousin who passed from cancer in the mid-90s. He and I had a special bond and I wanted to do something that would pay tribute to him. Only being two years older than me, we did everything together and one of our favorite games to play was tag. So when it came to getting my tattoo my idea was to have a handprint, right in the middle of my back like he tagged me and also to symbolize that he will always, no matter what, have my back. Around it, written by my parents in Sanskrit, is the Gayatri Mantra, a Mantra that my cousin would recite often.
Fast forward to 2018 and a few tattoos later, I had another idea. For those of you who don’t know, the Mul Mantar is the opening verse of the Guru Granth Sahib, the sacred scripture in Sikhism. Over the years, I have come to recite this Mantar often, it’s even the one for my alarm in the morning. However, there are two words in this Mantar that have always stuck out to me, “Nirbhau, Nirvair” meaning “Without Fear, Without Hate.” As I have tried to embrace the meaning of these two words in my day to day life, I must say that this became a priority of mine as we left 2020 and headed into 2021. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, this year is all about becoming the best version of myself, making decisions that are in my best interest, and being my authentic self.
I know that we are only 23 days into the year, but I must say, things have been pretty damn good so far. At the beginning of each week, I write down three or four things that I want to accomplish, this week is was walk 17 miles, read 100 pages, clean out my linen closet, and write a blog post. Once I put this post up, I will have finished all of my goals for the week. I bring this up because I encompass this goal seeing into “Nirbhau.” After all, these goals help me in making myself and my needs my top priority and caring less about how it may make people view me. These goals intend to push me out of my boundaries (for some a goal of reading 100 pages may not seem like anything but for me it is), and I only intend to make these goals grander, allowing myself to immerse myself in new experiences and push my limits.
Now onto “Nirvair” I have wronged people in my life and people have wronged me, but I refuse to continue like I owe something to someone or that what was done to me was because of decisions I made or because I was not good enough. For years, I harbored feelings of hatred towards myself and some others but I have realized that it has done no good. The fact of the matter is, you cannot go back into the past and fix things but you ensure that your outlook going forward changes for the better.
So, I thought, why not get these words that I want to live my life by tattooed on to me, to serve as a daily reminder of why I do what I do and why I want what I want. But there was one little tiny detail that needed to be added to the tattoo and that was just a tiny little dash.
Believe it or not, the “-” symbol holds a lot of meaning. It basically defines your life. In 2004, I heard a poem called “The Dash,” which has stuck with me all of these years later. As I sit and self reflect, I want to feel like when my days come to an end, I can look back and think that I lived the best life I could, that I made some sort of impact on someone in a positive way, that I loved beyond measure, and of course, that I was the best version of me that I could be. And so with the Mantar in mind and the Poem, I was able to, in a tattoo that measures maybe one inch by one inch, capture my own words/symbol to live by, almost 2.5 years after the idea first came to me.
I am optimistic about the future and I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned from the past. I am ready to take on new challenges, never forgetting the ones that have brought me to where I am now. I am looking forward to filling my dash with beautiful memories, fearing less, and loving more!
