So I am back from yet another hiatus. I have no exact reason for falling off the wagon again other than realizing that I just became incredibly lazy during the last few months of the year. I am not one to make or keep New Year’s resolutions but the events that surrounded me in 2020 made me view them differently this year. So, on Thursday night, the 31st of December, my husband and I wrote down five habits that we each want to say goodbye to, whether it was a habit that impacted our marriage, us as individuals, the people we surround ourselves with, etc. We stood over our gas range (it was too windy to turn on the good old fire pit), read them one at at time and threw them into the fire. As I sat watching these tiny pieces of paper burn away, I felt a sense of accountability that I had not before. The paper, so light, but the words that each of us had written on them, carrying much weight.
For the past few years, I have seen several of my IG friends show off their Top 9 ‘liked’ photos as the end of the year approaches. I too have taken part in this activity but this year, I decided that I would instead select the 9 photos that best described my year- the good, the bad, and the ‘ugly’ As I have grown older, I have realized that it’s not about how many likes you get, the amount of people who comment, or how many followers you may have. Hell, to be honest, this blog isn’t out there for me to gain attention but a place where I can put my thoughts into one place and if what I write helps someone, inspires them, or just gives them a good laugh, well then that’s just the icing on the cake!
Looking at these photos reminded me that as tough as 2020 was, it could have been worse; I was blessed to not once question the status of my job, amidst a pandemic, my husband and I became business owners. I was lucky to undergo surgery for my epilepsy while hospitals and front line nurses were working tirelessly to help those fighting COVID. I was blessed with another niece and the two of them now get to live in a time where we elected a FEMALE + MINORITY into the Vice Presidency. I have been around people who have experienced losses this year, lost family members to COVID or depression, those who have lost jobs, the roof over their head. The fact that I am typing this while sitting on my bed, heat running after taking a long hot shower simply says how lucky I am to be where I am.
2020 taught me to not take on any more bullshit, be it in my relationship with my spouse, relatives, friends, coworkers etc. It taught me that being my authentic self is just good enough- there’s no need to be someone else that I am not. It taught me that I need to let go of the past to move on towards a better and brighter future. And this biggest thing of all that can be taken from 2020 is that no matter what, you can never be fully prepared and plan for what lies ahead. You must be able to go with the flow and learn how to let lose and have fun.
While many of the things that I have listed above transpire between cultures, genders, personalities, and much more, I cannot help but think that my South Asian heritage has played some part in these habits and finally trying to break the cycle. One of them being always trying to please people regardless of the toll it took on me. The Indian culture, for years and years has seen women as the inferior gender. Although it has been nice to see a wave and movement across India for gender equality and women’s rights, it is also to be notated that in some way this inferiority and need to please has been innately passed down from generation to generation.
At no fault of my mother’s, I feel like I naturally embraced this not so desirable quality. Over the years, I have watched my mother break out of this character that was submissive and really find her voice and not only can I say that she seems to be happier and confident but her relationship with herself and others has improved immensely. She knows what she is worth and she will no longer take any bull. Because she was able to look back and see how being quiet and constantly trying to please people had affected her, my mother raised my sibling and I to be strong willed, knowing that what are bring to the table across all aspects of our life is and will be more than enough.
Recognizing that I started to go down a similar path of my mother’s was a signal that I needed to make some changes in my life and make them quick! I did want to live in this never ending rollercoaster of ups and downs, fearing that what I would next could lead to endless push back, feeling like I was walking around eggshells, feeling like I could not come out and say, “no” and walk away feeling good about myself.
My desire is to end this cycle here and ensure that whether my husband and I have girls or boys, we instill respect for others but more importantly self-respect in them, to live life confidently, and to stand their own ground.
I cannot control what happens around the world in 2021, but I can handle what happens during this year to me. And with that, I welcome 2021 with open arms, I welcome positive changes for myself, and I say goodbye to those things that make me a person that I do not want to be.
Happy New Year, y’all. May this year be full of positivity for us all!
